Ups and downs…

siberian05Woohoo! I got a letter from the doctor when I got back to Rubi’s this evening. Her mum and sister were busy with trying to feed her baby nephew and Rubi smiled a knowing smile when she passed me the envelope. The only mail that comes to me there is post from the doctor’s surgery. THIS IS IT!!!! My adrenaline starts pumping and I tear open the letter, conveniently started already by Rubi’s dog who flies into an apoplexy when the postie arrives.

It’s my umpteenth invitation for an overdue smear test….a legacy from my pre-lesbian hetero phase 22 years ago….AAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

When I was a baby, the day I first walked I just ran. All day, backwards and forwards across the living room, running not walking. It’s been the story of my life….running without learning to walk first. I haven’t fallen over much!

This time though I gotta learn how to walk first without trying to run too quickly too soon…else I will really come a cropper bigtime. Getting the letter today reminded me of how I do have to be patient with this process. It’s not going to happen overnight. Trouble is I just have no accurate idea yet of how long it is all going to take. I read somewhere on an NHS site that it could take up to 18 weeks for the mandatory referral to a psychiatrist for assessment and then a further 18 weeks for referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Then it’s only at that point I guess that I can start taking testosterone if it’s agreed. The guidelines I’ve read say they expect trans people generally to ‘live in role’ for two years minimum prior to surgery. However, the good news is that my big breasts will be a barrier to ‘living in role’ so they may allow the op after the Gender specialist has known me only a year. Fingers crossed…

It’s going to be a while still then…and that’s hard when you’ve already spent a good deal of your younger life passing and when you’ve made the biggest ever decision in your life to bring your body into line with how you feel you don’t want to waste any more precious moments living in a skin that does not feel your own. I won’t be running for quite a while yet 😦


About Sam Feeney

I am a counsellor, trainer and LGBTQI community activist. I write about my journey through life as a someone who lives and breathes gender and sexual difference and who cares passionately about creating powerful and sustainable radical social and political change.
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