I blog to howl … that’s what I realise. It’s my way of connecting and communicating openly with everyone around me and helps me verbalise Me. Finding my voice again has been an enormous thing. I have had some lead weight over my throat chakra for too long and now it’s open and the weight’s been lifted again I can howl and HOWL to my heart’s content!!!!!!!
It’s been 49 days (7 weeks) since I faced my transition vs annilation -by-way-of-suicide dilemma and decided to come out in favour of living my life as I feel myself – a bigendered boy-to-become-man. In this time I’ve had some wonderfully beautiful messages of support, some powerful and intimate connections with people very close to me, and a whole heap of other connections along the way too. Most have been extremely positive and accepting. Some have been shaken somewhat. Others are silent. All are valid. I do accept that if it’s taken me 43 years to come out and accept myself then others might find it needs a bit of processing and chewing over before they can connect with the changing Me again.
But writing this blog has given me a voice. I’ve had some great feedback about my writing itself too….which as a writer it’s always pretty cool to get!
This in turn has lifted my self-confidence and I am turning to face the world in a different way now. As someone with integrity and dignity, courage and strength, empathy and awareness. I am beginning to feel whole in myself again and feel a strong need to connect to my communities – my families, my friends, my work-mates, my comrades, and all my new FTM and other trans friends.
My Wolf is howling like there’s no tomorrow. ‘Hey’ he’s saying, ‘get the pack around you, let them know where you are.’ He knows the pack will listen to the meaning in his howl. That’s what I feel… that my pack is listening to my howl. Some of you are howling back. Others are waiting to be heard. Some will not howl at all but wander off to other packs where they can better understand what’s being said. But nothing will stop me howling now.
Those of you who know me well, know that I connect and attempt to communicate with all manner of ‘spirits’ in the natural world. It’s like a meditation for me… yes it’s a spiritual thing but to me its fundamentally connected with Earth and the awesome Universe we inhabit an incy-wincy-tiny-wee-little nanosphere of. My Marxist comrades will likely consider me barking mad about this but I have a dangerously dodgy grasp of quantum physics, which, combined with an ecological scientific background and a passion for evolutionary biology, in particular hominid evolution, I can be a right pain in the arse if you’re stuck in 19th century scientific philosophy. I can be materialist and utterly cognitively coherent about this without being religious or repudiating free-will in the slightest. But that would be a whole other blog dear reader 😉
There’s loads I want to find out about. Loads I want to say. A dear friend, who is a long-time feminist just asked me about what my decision to transition meant about what I thought about social construction of gender and my feminist identity. I have never been an academic feminist but I’ve always identified as socialist feminist…. so getting my head around any debates will be hard work if it’s all inaccessible academia BUT does anyone know what would be a good place to start? I fancy writing summat for my blog on this… because I identify as a bigendered FTM and it fascinates me that my gender transitioning is linked to my sexuality as I no longer see myself as a lesbian but as a queer trans-guy. Like my friend Michael says I think lived experience trumps theory 🙂