Fire in my head

Peyote Ceremony w/prayer stick Spirit shaman is conducting a ceremony over fire with his peyote, prayer stick & candle. 8 X 8"

What is happening to me now feels like a rebirth. I am on the cusp quite literally of beginning my physical somatic transition. Each and every cell in my body will feel the surge of a hormone familiar from childhood and captured ethereally in my masculinity since then. Except that this time I will feel the full flush of pubescent male sexuality. My boy begins his journey into manhood and into hitherto uncharted territories.

It is at one and the same time the biggest and most exciting thing I have been dreaming of for as long as I can remember as well as being, well, scary. My adrenaline is buzzing, my kundalini energy is rising. I am actively hunting and manifesting what I need through my labour. I have plans. Sound plans. Plans that will take me where I want to be. It’s not a million miles from where I am now, there is nothing in the plans that fundamentally changes who and where I am in the world.

What I have learnt so powerfully in recent times is that peace, happiness and joy do not come from trying to battle, stamp on and repress my rage, despair and alienation. Neither do they come from chasing the trends and buying a way into fluffed-up-coziness-with-strokes that would pacify a stressed corpereal corporate being for the weekend.

But I am anxious too. I have built myself up that barring any medical reason why I should not start testosterone, then the gender specialist doctor I am seeing for the second time on Friday will be able to give me my first shot. He has not told me this, I have read it in the paperwork he gave me following my first appointment along with the consent forms, clinical information about hormone therapy etc and my letter to get my documentation changed as far as I can prior to getting a Gender Recognition Certificate. What if I’ve got it wrong? What if, in my eagerness to start, I’ve misunderstood and I arrive on Friday all ready to go and I find out I have to wait some more? I feel really stupid for saying it, when in reality, even if it is NOT possible to get it going on Friday I will survive and just wait a little longer! But I am feeling every hour of every day as one hour closer towards radically changing every cell in my body. It IS a Big Thing. A Big BIG Thing.

I could have 42 hours left before testosterone begins its journey through a needle in my buttock muscle, to be transported by my body’s circulation system to the rest of me. I am intensely curious as to how my brain will first begin to sense the shifting subtle changes that will signal the beginnings of my second puberty. One thing I have been anxious about is how testosterone will affect my emotional expression. It will affect it for sure and I am going to have to re-tune my empathy antennae to these new baseline emotions as I experience them in a new way. I am curious as to how others around me are going to perceive this change in me. I’m letting everyone know NOW that I really do want your feedback on any changes you notice in how you connect with me on a personal and professional level. It will help me learn to tune and fine-tune the empathic kaleidoscope I have collected in my limbic palette of felt emotional expression. Other guys might have all sorts of tools and gadgets in their workshops. My current tool-kit has its sharpest instruments in my relationship and communication skills… and now I’m moving from Venus to Mars I will need to do a full kit inspection and make sure everything is all gleamy, greased up and works fit for its purpose!

So this fire is burning bright in my head* now and my initiation into manhood is taking its next inevitable step. I am hoping deeply that I will be able to sing Happy Birthday to mi chica with a broken voice… squeaky or not…. come her birthday in July. I have my first video blog to do either tonight or tomorrow evening so check out MrStubbornDog on YouTube. I will post a link as soon as he starts howlin’.

Oww..oooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoo 😉

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About Sam Feeney

I am a counsellor, trainer and LGBTQI community activist. I write about my journey through life as a someone who lives and breathes gender and sexual difference and who cares passionately about creating powerful and sustainable radical social and political change.
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